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Now let me tell you a story about a lil’ girl who has no filter, is sometimes a bit wesatimunogo.cf straight forward and who gets a kick out of making people feel very uncomfortable. But there are people who love you and people who just don’t. And if you are under the.
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It's been well studied, how difficult it is to love oneself if one was denied parental love at an early age--but difficult does not equal impossible. If you can learn to love yourself, you can learn to love and behave compassionately toward others. Do not give up hope to discover a valuable and lovable person inside yourself. Your lack of self-esteem is borne out of an illusion that you are worthless. No human being is worthless. You don't have to be anybody's child to create value with your life.
Good luck to you. I am an example of someone who has been thrown out and thrown away. Like other commenters, my earliest memories onward are of being frankly and repeatedly told that I am unlovable and unlikeable. There is not a single person who has voluntarily had contact with me in any way for years. However, multiple people went out of their way to vilify and terrify me. I get it, already. We all wish I was dead. Shunned and invisible is the next best thing since it's legal and sanctioned.
I tried to believe that every person has intrinsic worth, and I still approach people with that as a frame of reference, but I know that it isn't true. It's simply an attitude individuals may choose to have, but that society most definitely does not ascribe to.
My reaction to your post is that it appears to be wishful thinking with some hubris thrown in the mix. You are asking people who have never been loved to somehow know what love is and how to love others. How do we know what love is if we've never been shown love? Would you mind answering that? It seems rather cruel to insist people should love themselves if they've never been loved.
We don't insist adult illiterates teach themselves to read, do we? And yet being loved is also an experience. We learn love from others, not selfishly drawing on ourselves.source url
What To Do When People Don’t Like You
Otherwise, it isn't really love at all. My mother abused me. My father spoiled me with toys, but was always absent, and to this day I wonder if I'm not just food for his ego. I was born in a country at war, 3rd world country, locked in this hostile world. I was also fortunate on other aspects of life, hell every second where I am alive is a blessing. So anyway we grow up and I believe we all have a chance of living our lives. We had to deal with all this shit but in the end, we are adults and it's our life. We are not brought into this world to be an extension of our parents or of the system.
We are individual living beings, beautiful and fragile like any other living beings. I want to respond the best I can. It's years since this has been written. It may not be simple but your Mom not being there for you needs to leave the equation on how to get better. So much easier said than done, but it can be done. Rich people aren't all that, trust me. Poor people don't all admire rich rappers. I had 3 African America room mates at 3 different times. None of them were into or respected drug dealers or users.
It is not simple. There are rich and poor who idolize truth and idolize money.
Now, in , People are blowing whistles. Listen, I lost parents way too soon. I have always felt somewhere somehow , there needed to be more love. But I'd hate to see others struggle with this for 20 or 30 years. I try every day to move on and say it's up to me to be who I want to be. I hope this commenter has started to move on. I think I will print it out and keep it close by for those dark times that we all have. Very inspiring words for me. Hello, thank you for a very important and interesting article. In attempting to follow this, I simply cannot like myself as I once was.
Maybe I can briefly explain my situation and I can then understand how I am not having real self esteem have you noticed a lot of people think self esteem means having constant unwarranted praise. Anyway, I am a 25 year old who is rather self-hating. I used to have what I think was a good amount of self esteem. I liked myself, I had a purpose, I felt relevant but I also tried to do well and help others and be a nice guy, but then I was a victim of several related instances of violence and it really was difficult to survive through and it made me feell lost and worthless.
I did make it into college but felt depressed due to past abuse and now I have my degree but I lost whatever little confidence I had left as I have not found any work as I am unemployed with debt. I try to be honest and I pay as much savings as I have to pay debt but my savings are almost up. I am 25 but feel like an old man who is facing the end. I have little brother I help take care of and help but it does not take away from thee feellings of being a loser and worthless.
I really wish I have a future and to do well. What do you think? Also, sorry I should say that English is my second language, I hope you can read this good. So many expectations, such a big gap between expectations and real life, and it seem to be widening. You try to "stay on track", but where exactly is the train going? Should you get off at a station and start your life? When is the next train, if I want to get on again? So anyway, good luck. If you don't like yourself, accept yourself the way you are respect yourself, at least - that is my advice on this point I hope it's not too unrelated.
I believe that you will find a way - just try to preserve your relationships and other good things in your life, in the process. I knew what Lickerman was going to conclude half-way through the first paragraph.
2. Accept Your Differences
It is a well meaning but deceptive attempt to persuade people to behave more altruistically from a formerly hard-driving narcissist who burned out and turned to when he could no longer handle the pressure of trying to succeed. His advice is actually a rationalization of his recent loss of status. People may gain temporary solace in their perceived good character but they will never gain true self esteem if they don't actually accomplish something of value. I have a friend who embodies to me what you described. He is an inspiration to me but not because of any physical or mental aspect but only of his amazing spirit and outtake on life.
Yet, I find myself constantly thinking of how to be a better person and I constantly trash myself over the smallest things.
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I know I possess the spirit inside to admire and be proud of myself but I just constantly hate myself. I first thought it was a depression but I think I've learned more about myself and i realize that I'm a self loather. My father was extremely abusive physically and verbally to the whole family when I was young and it's not what he did that stuck with me - its the sense of worthlessness. You pin pointed that in your article so well that I froze for a few moments when i read it. From birth, I was unwanted. Named Troy, despite being a female, dressed in boy clothes and hair chopped very short and messy.
When I was five, I was the only witness to my Mother shooting my Father in the stomach, where he died. I can still remember the bullet rolling out when they picked him up to place on the stretcher. I was put into an orphanage where I was abused by not only the caretaker but the children that lived with me.
After the short jail time, my mother moved me out to the wilds of Alaska, to be dropped from society, hidden from my Fathers family who so in vain tried to find me. I was taught that children are to be seen, and not heard. I was given 6 last names since I was five. My mother would often send me off to live with friends of hers for years or months at a time, and again, abused by their children.
When I was 13 Mom finally let me come live with her and the man she was to marry. He would sneak in my room at night to "teach me" how to love a man so I could keep my husband. This man was 42, I was only He took the doorknob off my door so I could not lock him out, and he could have access to me as soon as my mother was asleep. He told me if I refused he would do it to my brother, and I knew that my brother did not have a hole like I did.
So I took it, for two years afraid to tell anyone of my dirty secret. Mother found my diary one day. She beat me with everything, cords, leather strop, brushes.. I was at that time, given up as "ward of the state of Alaska". Abuse did not end there, I thought it was normal. I am still sick, today, being diagnosed PTSD and on sick leave at the moment for horrors come not only in night dreams but in daytime as well. I just want to have a re roll and to have my Father back, and have her shot herself instead of killing him.
Or some days, best yet, killed me. I am now Still sick little girl, but have managed to raise three healthy, non beaten, non sexually abused children.
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They three are great assets to society. I long for the day that I can be "normal" and just be like everyone else. Thank you for listening. I know I need to love me, before I can truly give love. Again, thank you for listening. Troy, Reading stories like yours feels almost like being beaten by a leather strap myself. My heart breaks for you but exults that despite your horrible childhood you were able to raise three healthy children. No amount of trauma is insurmountable, even early childhood trauma that you describe.
Your story remains unfinished. Wonderful possibilities may await. More often than not, I have daymares combined with night terrors. I have tried all my life to be the opposite of my mother. There is hope, there is light at the farside My Father Dear, would be most proud I found them! Thank you sir, for taking time to answer. Alex said your story was like being beaten with a leather strap and reading your story I concur. I was beaten with a leather belt among other things and had other forms of abuse as a child, but nothing that could compare to yours. Moves me to tears and Im not the kinda bloke that cries.
It sickens me how abusive parents can be. It also annoys me how people dont seem to be able to define or recognise all child abuse. Such as the names they pick for a child; many modern names I would consider child abuse. Children have a hard enough time, without being bullied for having an inappropiate name or appearance. If only we had licensing for children in the same way we check people for fostering and adoption. Why cant we check natural parents? Of course, not all would be parents are monsters, but is it right such monsters are allowed to conceive?
While many may discourage vengeance, no-one would blame you if you tracked down, tortured and murdered your mother. You might not want to become anything like her, but everyone would cheer you on. I hope things become easier for you and I hope your brother loves you and appreciates the sacrifice and abuse you endured.
Mother has been gone now almost a decade. She died in her sleep actually. She had some kind of, cancer. I saw her a few months before her death and I say some kind of because she never told me the truth ever, about anything it seem's' I do not display any pictures of her, but I have some. I have a nook in my private room for Daddy.
Pictures, treasures his mother, my Grandmother cherished. I have his curls now. Amazing soft they are still. They are wrapped in funny pages. I look at this often in rememberance that he was not just my Daddy, but her little boy. Its funny how it all comes back around, closure. Brother will never know. To what good would it do? More stresses on him as well. No need for that.
With me it dies too, when I die. Just this confession online left. I have to ask you, as I ask myself.. I tell myself I just did everything the opposite of what was done to me, and just be the mom I always wanted. It worked because like you, I have 3 adult sons who are happy, loving and professionals. My problem now is they are grown and gone. I am alone with such horrific memories and not wanting to be around anyone. I hope you are better off than I, sister. I also am an atheist. I detest all religions I don't know if you will ever get this..
I got this little sister. I am alone in the nest too.. Today for me is an up. I found this interesting to read, since my self esteem is currently so low for the first time in a while. Conversely to the article, though, it's stemming from a desire to make others happy, and following that desire has lead to me trudging myself through the mud and causing great unhappiness. I suppose it has to do with finding the line between treating others well and doing their bidding at your own expense. I find myself very often falling into the cycle of feeling "trap" because i thought i'm not worthy, hence,low-self-esteem.
Though it is not a long term thing. There are days which I felt perfectly good, confident and highly motivated. It's really depressing in particular because i knew subconsciously that i'm good person and i'm no different to many others. But then during those low self-esteem cycles, I doubt myself, everything that i do. I care a lot about people around me and i was very often told that I'm but at times like this I'm ultra-sensitive, things like " am i doing too much? It's very naive to say this but it does feel like it's the end of the world and I makes me want to stop caring at all while no one cares about me anyway or how i felt.
I've been struggling with self esteem issues my whole life. My father was in and out of my life as a child and I was in the middle of him attempting to kill my mother one night. Luckily her side of the family is really close and things were stopped before any blood was shed. I was told that I was very unresponsive for a few days afterward, all I would say is, "Why would Daddy try to hurt me and mommy?
I was three or four, I don't remember. It left me feeling unloved and worthless, compounded by my mother the serial dater. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 14 and attempted suicide. I was also a self-mutilator and I can remember sitting in my room as a teenager cutting myself and saying, "You're worthless, ugly, nobody likes you, end it now and everyone else will be better off. I struggled with clinical depression for years after that, and still struggle with dysthymia even today at I never had very high self esteem even after my life was saved through psychiatric intervention, suicide was never very far from my thoughts.
I got pregnant at 19 with my high school sweetheart's baby and having her changed my outlook considerably. When you interrupt someone, what you're really saying is, "I'm not listening to you so I can understand what you're saying; I'm listening to you so I can decide what I want to say. Want people to like you?
Listen to what they say. Focus on what they say. Ask questions to make sure you understand what they say. Your words have power, especially over you. Whining about your problems makes you feel worse, not better. If something is wrong, don't waste time complaining. Put that effort into making the situation better. Unless you want to whine about it forever, eventually you'll have to do that. So why waste time? Don't talk about what's wrong. Talk about how you'll make things better, even if that conversation is only with yourself.
And do the same with your friends or colleagues. Don't be just the shoulder they cry on. Friends don't let friends whine. Friends help friends make their lives better. Yeah, you're more educated. Yeah, you're more experienced. Yeah, you've been around more blocks and climbed more mountains and slayed more dragons. That just makes you you: Appreciate the differences instead of the shortcomings and you'll see people--and yourself--in a better light. Criticizing has a brother. His name is Preaching. They share the same father: The higher you rise and the more you accomplish, the more likely you are to think you know everything and to tell people everything you think you know.
When you speak with more finality than foundation, people may hear you but they don't listen. I drove home that night hating myself. What was wrong with me? I had a severe need to be liked and chosen, and it was crippling my integrity. My fear of being disliked was more powerful than my personal integrity. And as David Kadavy once wrote:. It feels terrible sometimes.
But not being you will destroy you. At first, I was terrified of being disliked. Thousands of years ago, the great philosopher Epictetus remarked:. Most people are almost entirely unwilling to look stupid. This is how the world conditions you to behave. People will dislike you. When a basketball player is really good, opposing teams will often double and triple-team them.
They will leave their opponents wide open and opt to gang up on the better player. They attract more obstacles, more pressure, and more difficulties than the average. The same is true with you. It is only when you do important things that you garner the ire and dislike of others. But with that disdain comes respect, if only begrudgingly. I hate it at times. As Ted Talk speaker Bill Eckstrom once said:.
Of course, you can be disliked for just being a total jerk with hurtful opinions; many people rightfully are.