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Table of contents
- After Your Trust Has Been Broken – 5 Ways to Avoid a Victim Mentality | Leading with Trust
- 3 Reasons You Find It Hard To Trust People
- Trust is the essential ingredient for leadership success.
I agree with your point that a person should exercise good judgement and caution when deciding whether or not to trust another person. All the people I trusted are now dead. It sucks living a life where trusting someone is nothing more than leaving an opening for someone to betray you. Hi Michael, thanks for your comments. It can be risky to trust someone because how the person responds is out of our control.
My encouragement to you is to extend trust to those who have demonstrated trustworthiness to you. With the whole masquerade going on, this requires time, effort and doubt. If you notice the other person is throwing himself at you, without expecting you to show your integrity, then that person is not fit. You then either love and teach, or you speak bluntly the truth exercising tough love. The latter is the most effective. Experience is a true teacher; stay true to your gut feeling. Someone has it right in this forum: Every time I need to trust someone else I get let down.
I always end up relying on my self to help me. The good news is that learning to trust others is a skill you can develop. You can also try to get a sense of their character by looking at their past behavior. Do they meet deadlines? Do they keep their promises? What is their reputation with other people? I know they hide things from me, things I have a right to know, things that impact on my responsibilities.
My inability to trust others would also appear to have cost me friends over the years. I see others all engaging with one another yet few engage with me. You say that trusting others can be learned but how do you reconcile that when people are basically dishonest about most things in life that involve trust from others? Thanks for sharing your heart-felt thoughts. A positive fact is that you are aware of your reticence to trust others. Assume others have good intentions. The tone of your comments makes me think you assume people are hiding the truth from you, are untrustworthy, etc. Often times our assumptions about others act as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Find something small you can trust someone with and see if they prove trustworthy. Then next time trust them with something a little more important and keep repeating that process as long as the person is being trustworthy. You may have a naturally low propensity to trust others and it will help you feel more secure if you start small and then work to bigger things.
Sometimes the reason for low trust between people is they have different expectations about the situation at hand. Talking to a neutral third party, especially a trained professional, can help you gain insights into the dynamics of your relationships and what you can do to improve them. My lack of trust is destroying my life. My husband said I need help.
I question everything he does. My insecurities and jealousy have gotten out of hand. If there is any good to experience from this situation it is that you recognize some changes are needed. I encourage you to speak with a professional counselor who could help you through the process of building trust in your relationships. I have trust issues and I know that I do. I have gotten betrayed by some friends in the past as well. Was it just disappointment? I was hurt emotionally and there is still trauma for me when I think about trusting someone. I explain that to people who wanted to be my friends.
Then they say that I need to trust them until I see that they are not trustworthy. But how can I possibly do that? Should I trust those people? At least I do have one very good friend who I can trust absolutely. So is it that I have trust issues or that I have just not met a person who is trustworthy besides that one good friend?
Trust in relationships can be a very complex issue. Everyone has a different propensity to trust. If you have a low propensity to trust, it can be helpful to start by trusting someone in low risk situations and then gradually trust them more as they continue to prove themselves trustworthy. I find it difficult to trust people with anything emotional or personal to me, but I trust them in other ways.
For me, it is because there have been many experiences where I have been unable to conceal my suffering and others have perhaps been a little cold about it, which intensifies the suffering. I personally find that I do eventually trust, but it takes a long time for me to do so, and therefore it takes a long time years to bond with new friends on anything more than a superficial level. This is even despite the fact I can see that it is their insecurities that have been piqued.
Some positive experiences of trust would be good to help me at least get some believable evidence inside of me that people can be trusted with my emotions, but I have no idea how to do this.
After Your Trust Has Been Broken – 5 Ways to Avoid a Victim Mentality | Leading with Trust
Top 7 Posts in Bad Bosses, and More! I find it difficult to trust even my family members. Whenever i have to trust dem i am frightened of getting hurt. Randy, I find it difficult to trust my family members. Whenever i hav to trust dem a strange fear holds me back. I would be grateful if u provide me some advice… Richa. Hi Richa, thanks for leaving a comment. What specifically are you afraid of when it comes to trusting your family members? My personality lends itself to trust people initially. Part of that is due to the fact that I know my own character is that of someone who is trustworthy.
I often find myself meeting men whose personalities are such that it takes them time to develop trust for a potential partner. They seem to be constantly evaluating and hence expecting me to be somehow untrustworthy. This often leads to them holding back or changing their stripes. I inevitably get let down because the person who I thought I could trust loses trustworthiness when they seem to not trust me without reason.
Propensity to trust is the degree to which someone is willing to trust make themselves vulnerable based on positive expectations of another another person. Both propensity to trust and trustworthiness influence each other. The two variables can influence each other but also be independent of each other.
Another interesting tidbit is that smarter people are more likely to trust others, and this has been shown in scientific studies. The proposed explanation is that smarter people are more likely to trust others because they can more effectively assess whether someone actually has a reason to betray you. You guys have said it all. While trust comes from the heart. I find myself stressing a lot about who to trust sometimes. I relied on myself growing up. I met a friend who trusted me very much. He has extended his hand out to me and offered a home for me too.
I live here now and I feel happier than ever before. I just find myself waiting for the day this happiness will get ripped away and I will back to my miserable life before. I never witness a real trustful relationship, only those that seemed like it in the beginning that turned into a way to manipulate. I long for that feeling and understanding. Thanks for your heartfelt comments. You CAN experience high-trust relationships. Not to overstate the obvious, but the key is to use wisdom in deciding in whom you place your trust. I encourage you to read my other articles about the ABCD trust model.
The ABCD trust model provides an easy to understand framework of what trustworthiness looks like in a relationship. Belief that people will hurt me has caused my distrust. The first full-time job I had, the very first holiday party I went to had an open bar at a hotel. I expressed concern that somebody would get drunk and was assured by one of the senior partners that there would be no incidents.
There were incidents, and somebody got drunk as a skunk. I never forgave them for that. It happens to all of us to some degree or another. Perhaps it may help you as well. I try to shake it off and I get so caught up. Trust is dependancy,I wish to be indipendant of others as much as possible. Trust is in vain,meaning that to much dependance is the assumption of trust. Even though I depend on others they have rights to their own indipendance.
Indipendance is happyness,freedom,self sufficiancy,ect…I trust in my self. This is where the victim of a wrongful act is held partially, or entirely, responsible for the wrong that befell them. It is a stance chosen by people who wish to avoid culpability. You also state that people who find it difficult to trust others ought to move beyond this into becoming more trusting in order to have a happy and successful future. Now, I am not going to disagree that trust is, indeed, vitally important within any healthy relationship.
I would add that lack of trust is a big killer of relationships. However, what I object to is the victim blaming tone of your article. I would assume that you did not intend the article to come across in this manner, but it appears to me that any article is open to a multitude of interpretations, and that when a person chooses to write an article in which it is written…. There is a risk of coming across as somewhat victim-blaming.
Also, your replies to some of the comments here appear to give somewhat conflicting or inaccurate information. What if you know nothing? Or what if the person lies about their past? However, it is where you place emphasis upon the person who finds it hard to trust, and THEIR need to change, that things start to fall apart.
Is there not a two-way issue of responsibility, and reciprocality, when it comes to trust? Surely the person who cannot be trusted is also in need of change?
You see, in describing why people find it hard to trust, you emphasize the fact that it is nearly always their personal experiences that lead to inability to trust. Low propensity to trust, and past hurts, are really interconnected. Our experiences of other people and how they interact with us whilst we are growing up have a HUGE influence upon our ability to trust others. The more a person comes across other people who demonstrate that they CANNOT be trusted, the more said person will find it hard to trust.
And THIS is why I suggest that your article can appear a little victim-blaming, even if it was not intended to…. The developing child has very little control over many people with whom it has contact. Kids do not get t choose their family — parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins… Kids also have only limited control over who their family has as friends they may choose their own friends, but not who parents, siblings, etc. If a child grows up in a family environment where key figures — especially caregivers — are untrustworthy, then that child has little choice but to become self-sufficient, or fail to thrive.
A toddler can NOT up and move house if he or she has an unreliable parent. Indeed, the child had NO choice over such an outcome. A person who has already been wounded does not need somebody stating the obvious! You are a person whose position, and likely whose training, require that you have a good understanding of interpersonal relations. Thus, I would have expected you to appreciate that ALL humans develop in such a way that early childhood experiences impact upon later life. The way we interact with our earliest caregivers — usually our parents — and the way they respond to us, forms a template by which we gauge, and upon which we model, future relationships.
Our early caregivers — our family, and parents especially — form role-models, against whose behaviours and actions we compare those of people we encounter later in life. Put simply, our earliest experiences are ones which colour the way we later see life. So, if our earliest experiences of people — people who are supposed to love us and care for us — is that they actually are untrustworthy, and let us down, then it makes total sense to expect that we will continue to be concerned that this is the way all people act.
This is particularly so if we continue to have relationships with people who reinforce our belief that people ARE untrustworthy, because they continue to let us down. At the end of the day, humans can only understand that which they have experienced. If you have never experienced something, how do you have any idea what it is like? Thus, people who have been continually let down in life by untrustworthy others WILL naturally default to a position of wariness, and of being slow to trust. They know NO different. It is NOT as simple as saying that fault for lack of trust lies with people who find it hard to trust.
People who hide their past. People who keep secrets. People who say one thing but do another. People who manipulate others into lying or keeping secrets on their behalf. Con-artists… Each and every one of us knows that such people DO exist, and some of us may even have come across them in life. Liars, fakes, abusers, secrets… all of these are not always as easy to spot as some people might like to think. I grew up in a family where BOTH parents were liars, and kept secrets, and behaved hypocritically.
Growing up like this is scary, because it provides you with no role-models upon whom to model healthy relationships. Worse was the fact that, to the outside world, my parents presented a veneer of respectability. You see, untrustworthy people try ever so hard to fool people into thinking they can be trusted! Just look at the way so many people are duped by con-artists. People who wish to fool us into trusting them when actually we ought not to can use any multitude of techniques to do so.
This can range from posing as someone they are not, to outright threatening us should we spot that they are lying, and try to reveal the lie. Just look at the way domestic violence perpetrators go endlessly through cycles of abuse — lulling the victim into a false sense of security, lashing out, then apologizing when caught doing something wrong, then going off to do something wrong all over again… And so the cycle repeats!
With people who seriously are NOT to be trusted, a similar sort of operation may be seen. My point is that untrustworthy people often seek to gain something by kidding others that they can be trusted. Thus, it is in their best interests that their untrustworthiness not be revealed. Such people will go to extraordinary lengths in order to dupe others. So, with this in mind, maybe it is possible for you to be a little more understanding and empathic towards the position of people who find it very hard to trust. Yes, I agree that it benefits them to learn to trust; but the suggestion should not be made in a judgmental way.
Such people — like me — already know jus how hurtful and damaging a lack of trust may be. It may well be that some of us desperately want to be able to trust more easily. BUT… there is a fine line between genuine trust, and gullibility. In this sense, it is clear that to some extent we both must agree that trust is NOT an immediate thing — that there are criteria which a person must meet in order to be considered trustworthy.
It would be good to see both sides of the coin discussed. Thanks for your thoughtful comments. Your message illustrates the depth and complexity that can be involved in regards to trust in a relationship. You are correct that my intention was not to engage in victim-blaming. My intention was to point out that the decision to trust another person rests solely with each of us as individuals.
As you point out, the factors that influence our propensity to trust are many and complex. It can be extremely difficult to overcome life experiences that have caused us to have a low propensity to trust. Regardless of our past life experiences, the decision to trust another is completely under our control.
You can trust people to be exactly who they are. Many People are manipulative and will use , abuse and get there own needs fulfilled from others especially if they sense vulnerability. So, this article is good in theory but cannot translate into reality. I respectfully disagree with you. Trust is the glue that holds relationships together. Without it we are forced into a state of self-protection, fear, and cynicism. Well I would agree with you that a society that can work together for the common good of society is fueled by social trust and more beneficial to everyone.
We are dealing with the evolution of human society that carries with it a lot of baggage. The reason the answer to this problem continues to elude us is because the problem is very difficult. Perhaps if you could start talking about how to pragmatically get there not just the destination this blog would be more valuable? To be honest with you, reasonable trust to have depends greatly on the situation. Trusting family members is different than trusting the sales person at the auto lot than trusting your job etc. In most situations in society, the same problem exists.
The car salesman wants to sell you a car at a higher price to make better commission because he wants his kid to get into a better college to have a better future. I might want a better deal so that my car payment is lower so I can save up more money for my kid to go to a better college. I do believe most people are not out to let other people down. Ayn Rand wrote about this extensively and arrived at what we called Objectivism as a result. Objectivism tends to lead to less trust socially in the sense of doing good things because reciprocity is a social convention.
The real social problem that we have today is that people like you and me have become more educated and aware of sociology and psychology to the point that we no longer run on the default conventions on auto pilot. We actually have trained our minds to think so that we can make conscious choices. We are free to choose. Black and white thinking is one of the most prominent cognitive biases. Trust is a deep, multi-faceted topic and I do appreciate the social complexity involved in how trust is manifested or not in relationships.
You make a critical point about the importance of education and how it empowers you to make conscious choices about who, how, and when you trust others. I advocate an approach of reasoned-trust, not blind trust in any and all circumstances. Reading this article is, for me, the first step of trying to trust someone again. Even if the person that never hurt me, I am stuck in that mindset where if I give too much trust into that person, I am only doing it to feel comfort within myself.
Learning to trust again can be a difficult process.
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One way to begin is to start trusting people with small things in low-risk situations. As they show themselves trustworthy you can begin to trust them with more serious things. This will lead him into his future mistrust ing his loved ones. Words can be supportive, or be vapor. We carry in our hearts one aspect of life. Our actions may be a world apart from our heartthoughts. Since we are all going to die, trust is not about others, it is about us. To love, or not to love, is the question.
Absent trust and respect, love is non-existent. It is one thing to make a living with words, it is entirely another to offer help that another person can actually apply in their life today. Hello, I believe that being a trust-worthy person is one of my best characteristics, and it draws strangers and others to me. It just hurts when people are hypocritical and I do my best to have a forgiven heart or try to trust them with things as general as simple conversation.
Thank you for your time. In that regard, my viewpoint is yes, be kind to others. Having said that, I think we also have to be aware of toxic relationships and make sure we have appropriate boundaries in place to protect us from emotional harm. In some instances that may mean limiting the amount of time you spend with toxic people. I struggle with depression and this evening thought a light hearted kids film might help to cheer me up. I chose Toy Story 3.
In reality it was a serious subject matter that just used a kids medium. I feel my trust was betrayed and not cheered up at all. All I want to do is bloody relax! When a women has been cheated on by 3 out of 4 relationships, is it normal to not wantbto trust again? Especially to the guy that promised to make it right and apologized but went back on his word. I love him but we can not move on without trust. Am I living in the past? Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship.
You cannot trust anybody! These people who think they can are just leaving themselves open to abuse. People are to be admired and observed at a safe distance. You need to protect yourself. You can be friendly. You should always help other people. Everyone needs a sense of purpose. But trust is something that takes a very long time to establish. And even then your frame of reference is just illusive. This world is temporary. You have to make the best with what you have been given. I choose to help people through my profession and through random charitable and compassionate acts.
But I will never leave myself open to being vulnerable to another person by choice. I will always hope for the best but experience teaches me to expect the worse. And life is only a collection of your experiences…. It seems impossible to me to go through life without trusting people. You may want to check out this article to help you assess how people demonstrate trustworthiness. This article is very helpful to me.
I loved the part that explains that trust is a gift that should be extended in any new situation, not something to be earned and worked for. In a new relationship the hope and best possible expectation is that the new situation will be different, better, healthier, and more fulfilling than the last. So, with all that being said, this is what I learned reading this article. We can only show up to love them and let them love us in return. Thanks for the help, I really needed it. Life is a series of experiences. You need to learn from your experience. I did it to myself!
I let them shmooze me! I made myself vulnerable! What exacerbates the situation is money. If people find out you have it they will tell you what they think you want to hear. I know when people are blowing smoke at me. I do great things for other people. I have the means and feel a responsibility to help other people. I will always have a sense of purpose. I will always have a clear conscience. I value my security and freedom.
Thanks for adding that perspective Gregory. I am struggling with trust due to some of my past experiences. What I have to say to that is, if this is true… why do we not trust our children but still love them with everything we are? The ones we love the most or should love the most is our own children, but yet parents put tracking devices on their vehicles or monitor their phone conversations, etc.
They break our trust and because of that we lose our love for them? No… so, it is possible to love and not trust someone right? I love my fiance with all my heart but struggle with fear of being hurt by being cheated on or lied to. Please help me to understand because I really need to learn to trust again but am afraid to let my guard down only to be hurt in the end.
Love and trust are two different constructs. And the opposite is true as well; you can trust someone by not love them. I think the real question you are asking is how critical is trust to loving someone in the context of marriage. Trust is dependent on risk. In marriage, the risks are many: Will my spouse love me unconditionally? Will my spouse always be there to support me? Will my spouse cheat on me? Has your fiance ever proved herself untrustworthy? Our propensity to trust is shaped by our life experiences, personality, and the context of the situation.
I would suggest you get connected with a good counselor who could help you explore your low propensity to trust and what drives it. You can learn how to trust others and experience the fullness of relationships that you deserve.
3 Reasons You Find It Hard To Trust People
Being gay has led many people to openly be hostile against me, in workplaces, and many fake friends dumped me once they found out I was gay. Then add the fact that they badmouth and in doing so, they force complete strangers to form negative thoughts about me that are not true. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. It takes courage to share your experiences and I appreciate it. A thought that comes to mind is that you have to be true to yourself. Surrounding yourself with people who are trustworthy and supportive of you is important. I hope you have people in your life who can walk alongside you in this manner.
Thai was a good read. I fall into the 1 and 3 reasons. I always kinda knew issues from past relationships most likely had something to do with it. Mainly because I was always the laid back person that just wanted everyone to get along. As I got older I got tired of being that person and became a bit cold. I guess because people who knew me just expected that of me, especially my now ex wife.
I always felt she took advantage of that. After getting burned by my entire family and most recently my daughter and her husband , I certainly will no longer trust anyone. She convinced me that it would be fine if I wanted to leave the state I was living in and live with them temporarily until work could be found. It was really only so they could use me for what little money I had and leave me without. So, now I am job hunting with no car and no bus service and trying to find somewhere to live.
My prayer is that God will show you a path forward and your trust and faith in others will be renewed. I find it hard to stay close to anyone … Trust erodes with time spent and I find that very depressing. Its too much for me to dig out the most bottom reason but this has led me avoiding social situations.
As you read in my article, having unrealistic expectations is one of the main reasons people find it hard to trust others. Having unrealistic expectations, particularly unspoken ones, of how another person should act usually sets the relationship up for failure. Try adjusting your expectations and see how that works for you. You are commenting using your WordPress. Ye shall grow a part Of the laughing Sea ; Of the moaning heart Of the glittered wave Of the sun-gleam's dart In the ocean-grave.
Fair, cold, and faithless wert thou, my own! For that I love Thy heart of stone! From the heights above To the depths below, Where dread things move,. There is naught can show A life so trustless!
Trust is the essential ingredient for leadership success.
Proud be thy crown! Ruthless, like none, save the Sea, alone! And pray that a wreath like a rainbow May slip from the beautiful past, And Crown me again with the sweet, strong love And keep me, and hold me fast. The light came through the window, Straight from the sun above, And so inside my little room There plunged the rays of Love.
The daily actions of religious people have accomplished uncounted good deeds throughout history, alleviating suffering, feeding the hungry, caring for the sick. Religions have brought the comfort of belonging and companionship to many who would otherwise have passed through this life all alone, without glory or adventure. They have not just provided first aid, in effect, for people in difficulties; they have provided the means for changing the world in ways that remove those difficulties. As Alan Wolfe says, "Religion can lead people out of cycles of poverty and dependency just as it led Moses out of Egypt".
There is much for religion lovers to be proud of in their traditions, and much for all of us to be grateful for. The fact that so many people love their religions as much as, or more than, anything else in their lives is a weighty fact indeed. I am inclined to think that nothing could matter more than what people love. At any rate, I can think of no value that I would place higher.
I would not want to live in a world without love. Would a world with peace, but without love, be a better world? Not if the peace was achieved by drugging the love and hate out of us, or by suppression. Would a world with justice and freedom, but without love, be a better world? Not if it was achieved by somehow turning us all into loveless law-abiders with none of the yearnings or envies or hatreds that are wellsprings of injustice and subjugation.
It is hard to consider such hypotheticals, and I doubt if we should trust our first intuitions about them, but, for what it is worth, I surmise that we almost all want a world in which love, justice, freedom, and peace are all present, as much as possible, but if we had to give up one of these, it wouldn't — and shouldn't — be love. But, sad to say, even if it is true that nothing could matter more than love, it wouldn't follow from this that we don't have reason to question the things that we, and others, love.
Love is blind, as they say, and because love is blind, it often leads to tragedy: Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: There's nothing you can do that can't be done Nothing you can sing that can't be sung Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game It's easy.
We all been playing those mind games forever Some kinda druid dudes lifting the veil. Doing the mind guerrilla, Some call it magic — the search for the grail. Love is the answer and you know that for sure. Love is a flower, you got to let it — you got to let it grow. We have come by curious ways To the Light that holds the days; We have sought in haunts of fear For that all-enfolding sphere: Deep in every heart it lies With its untranscended skies; For what heaven should bend above Hearts that own the heaven of love?
If you believe in peace , act peacefully; if you believe in love, acting lovingly; if you believe every which way, then act every which way, that's perfectly valid — but don't go out trying to sell your beliefs to the system. You end up contradicting what you profess to believe in, and you set a bum example. If you want to change the world , change yourself. There are three lessons I would write, — Three words — as with a burning pen, In tracings of eternal light Upon the hearts of men.
Though clouds environ now, And gladness hides her face in scorn, Put thou the shadow from thy brow, — No night but hath its morn. Where'er thy bark is driven, — The calm's disport, the tempest's mirth, — Know this: God rules the hosts of heaven, The habitants of earth. Not love alone for one, But men, as man, thy brothers call; And scatter, like the circling sun, Thy charities on all. Thus grave these lessons on thy soul, — Hope, Faith, and Love, — and thou shalt find Strength when life's surges rudest roll, Light when thou else wert blind.
Far above the golden clouds, the darkness vibrates. The earth is blue. And everything about it is a love song. Before our lives divide for ever, While time is with us and hands are free , Time, swift to fasten and swift to sever Hand from hand, as we stand by the sea I will say no word that a man might say Whose whole life's love goes down in a day; For this could never have been; and never, Though the gods and the years relent, shall be.
Is it worth a tear, is it worth an hour, To think of things that are well outworn?